- From psychic communists to spy kittens and nuke-equipped chickens, they really tried it all.
They keep saying we’re headed for a new Cold War — and that’s terrible. But if you’re a fan of hilariously ridiculous secret plots, you might see a silver lining.
The Cold War era was the golden age of espionage with an out-of-control arms race for global superiority. And while the competition between the East and West gave us many everyday technologies we rely on today, some of the plans were… Not quite so successful.
Here are X completely harebrained plots, schemes, and plans that both sides of the Iron Curtain came up with.
1) The Chrysler TV-8 Tank
All things nuclear — from bombs to reactors — were the hottest things in the mid-1900s, often literally. So, naturally, both the U.S. and the Soviets were trying to develop a nuclear-powered battle tank.
Because why wouldn’t you?
Although none of the designs went into production (as far as we know), we’re saying America won the nuclear tank race. That’s because the U.S. program resulted in the Chrysler TV-8.
Chrysler isn’t exactly known for making tanks and there’s probably a reason for it. The TV-8 is an absolutely ridiculous egg-shaped disaster of a design.
But maybe the Soviet soldiers would’ve laughed themselves to death upon seeing this thing.
2) Project Thor
Although everybody loved their nukes during the Cold War, people were also realizing that turning the planet into a radioactive wasteland isn’t a great idea. With that in mind, the U.S. started planning a weapon that could hit with the force of a nuke — without the radiation.
Enter Project Thor, the bizarre brainchild of the American space program. At some point, someone somewhere realized that objects gained velocity the longer they fall.
So what if you dropped a big object from really, really high?
Project Thor was a satellite orbiting thousands of miles above Earth. It would’ve carried a bundle on telephone pole-sized, one-foot-thick tungsten rods.
If there was something the U.S. would want to wipe off the face of the planet, you’d just drop one of the rods on it. The idea never went anywhere when somebody pointed out that getting just one of the rods to orbit would cost $230 million.
3) The Soviet Psychics Program
No, we didn’t mean to write “physics.” The Soviets got into harnessing the power of their massive brains already in the 1920s.
The Soviet Union had specific departments that were trying to develop a coherent theory about how psychic powers work. There apparently wasn’t any question about whether they would — we just needed to figure out the “how.”
The program started out with the goal of developing telepathic abilities. Eventually, they moved to psychokinetics — moving objects with your mind — because they believed such powers could disrupt U.S. intercontinental missile systems.
Whether they ever developed a psychically active communist super soldier will remain a mystery.
4) The U.S. Psychics Program
What, did you think America would let the Soviets have all the psychic soldiers? When the CIA found out that Russia was trying to figure out telepathy, of course they had to get in on the fun too.
The CIA psychics program kicked off in 1970, a good half-century behind the Soviets. It ran in various incarnations until 1995 and cost nearly $20 million.
And it never produced a single case of psychic activity.
The Army had its own program, too. But that ended already in 1985 after the National Academy of Sciences found out about it and wrote a mocking assessment of the program.
5) Project Acoustic Kitty
America was ready to enlist everybody in its fight against communism, even the ordinary housecat. Project Acoustic Kitty, launched in 1967 by the CIA, is pretty much what it says on the label.
The idea was to implant a microphone in a cat’s ear canal and a radio transmitter in its skull. The kitty would then get close to a target and let U.S. intelligence officers listen in on their conversation.
There was just one problem — cats aren’t known for their military-like discipline.
The first test of the program failed when the cat, released into a park to spy on a test target, simply wandered off. And then it got run over by a car.
CIA carried out further experiments but they were all miserable failures due to the cats’ disobedience. But hey, it was a good way to spend $20 million.
6) The Castro Beard Plot
It’s no secret that the U.S. tried really, really hard to kill Fidel Castro. According to conservative estimates, there were at least 600 assassination attempts on the leader of Communist Cuba.
But not every plot targeted Castro’s life. One of them tried to hit him where it really hurts — his sense of masculinity.
Castro was famed for his impressive beard. The U.S. theorized that if he lost the beard, it’d hurt his feelings and could make him more vulnerable.
The plot was to sprinkle thallium salt into Castro’s shoes during an overseas visit. Thallium poisoning can lead to hair loss, so the plot could’ve resulted in a clean-shaven egghead Castro.
Unfortunately, Castro canceled the fateful trip abroad. Now we’ll never know if losing his beard would’ve made him so depressed that his regime collapsed.
7) The Lun-Class Ekranoplan
Imagine a gigantic Soviet military machine, part ship and part plane, that could travel at 340 mph and carry two million pounds of cargo, nukes, or troops. Sounds like something out of a James Bond movie, right?
But it was really built. And it worked.
The Lun-class Ekranoplan was one of the rare few Cold War superweapons that didn’t fail. The behemoth of a transport class could glide over water, propelled by eight enormous turbofans mounted on wings.
And it was very difficult to detect with Cold War era radar. In theory, the Ekranoplan could’ve allowed the Soviet Union to stage marine invasions anywhere, at any time.
Luckily, only one was ever built. It still exists, although it’s wrecked and rusted.
8) The Chicken-Powered Nuke
In 1957, the United Kingdom came up with the idea of a nuclear land mine. The British developed and tested the device, but it had one fatal flaw.
It was extremely sensitive to low temperatures and would easily malfunction. How could the British keep the land mine warm enough?
Chickens.
The plan was to strap a chicken to a land mine and lock it in a cage with a week’s worth of food. The body heat from the roosting chicken would keep the tiny nuke cozy and operational.
The plan was scrapped after West Germany objected to the idea of radioactive bombs littering its eastern border. Also, how do you effectively conceal a nuke-equipped chicken coop?
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