Archeologists Find the Oldest Continuous Story in History — of a Man Holding His Penis

• Next time someone chides you for telling a story with a dong in it, just say you’re continuing a proud human tradition.

Today, storytelling is a finely developed art form. We have so many ways to tell stories, from novels to movies, comic books, poetry… You name it.

But all those ways to tell stories didn’t just suddenly pop up. They all had to start somewhere — and we now have a better idea of where.

Archeologists in Turkey have unearthed two carved images that depict what they believe to be the oldest continuing narrative ever discovered. They’re not exactly sure what story the images tell, but one thing is certain.

The central figure is a man grasping his own erection.

Some things just never change.

A Man, an Erection, and Some Animals

The two stone reliefs were discovered in the ancient stone age settlement of Sayburç in southern Turkey. Excavations at the site began in 2021, and so far researchers have discovered a communal building of which half has been uncovered.

The archeologists discovered the two stone reliefs inside the communal building, some 36 feet long and carved from limestone. Each carven image depicts a collection of characters.

One figure stands out on the first relief since its silhouette protrudes from the surface. Based on a comparison to similar images found elsewhere, this figure is a human male.

Although the figure’s face is somewhat damaged, you can rather clearly see large round ears, bulging eyes, and very thick lips. The human character stares directly at the viewer — as he holds his dong firmly in his hand.

Yes, the man has an erection, and he has a good hold of it.

It’s not clear why he’s doing that, though, because there are no female figures on the relief. Instead, the guy is surrounded by animals.

Depicted from a side perspective, on both sides of the man stand two large cats, most likely leopards. Their teeth are bared and rendered in high detail.

Oh, and one of the leopards also has a penis. We assume that’s somehow important.

Finally, there’s a picture of a bull. Its horns are also highly detailed, so the animals’ pointy bits probably had some significance to the artist.

On the second relief is another human male, depicted from the side. He’s also sporting a raging hard-on while squatting down and holding either a snake or a rattle.

You have to use your imagination with these things. There’s also a bull in the second picture, which the man is apparently combating.

What’s the Story?

Due to the repeated appearance of identical figures — namely, the dude with the erection and the bull — archeologists have determined that the reliefs present a continuing narrative. In other words, the scenes are part of the same story.

That would make these pictures the oldest known preserved narrative in human history. There are older single scenes preserved in stone age art, but none of them depict a continuing story.

“These figures, engraved together to depict a narrative, are the first known examples of such a holistic scene. This was a picture of the stories that formed the ideology of the people of that period,” said Eylem Özdo?an, an archeologist who authored a paper on the discovery.

But what exactly is the story the stones tell? Well, that has unfortunately been lost to the passing of years.

Dangerous animals must’ve been important to the story, the archeologists believe. They say that because of the exaggeration of the teeth and horns of the depicted beasts.

Although the scientists make no guesses about the story, we can assume that the pictures depict some kind of mythological figure. Perhaps the penis man is an ancient hero or god who battled rampaging beasts.

Or maybe it’s a guy who got really turned on by dangerous situations. We’ll never know.

What we do know is that the pictures offer us a glimpse into the development of collective symbols and rituals. Whatever the story is, it must’ve been important to Sayburç’s residents for them to bother to carve it down.

The reliefs highlight how ancient people built a community around their shared stories.

They also show that we humans have always been preoccupied with our genitals.