Mum distraught as ‘lazy’ husband sleeps in spare room – leaving her with baby

A new mum has told of her distress as her husband frequently sleeps in a different bedroom at night, leaving her alone to look after their crying newborn most of the time

Welcoming a baby is a tiring business. Aside from all the stress of the labour, the preparation, and raising a child, which is enough to exhaust anyone, there’s the added problem that babies don’t sleep well. Whether it is to feed or to soothe, new parents find themselves waking up several times every night at first- and the lack of sleep can take a toll on mums and dads.

But one mum has been forced to shoulder much of the burden, as her husband sleeps in their spare room. And the arrangement has become infuriating for the woman, who has help close at hand but has to go without.

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Taking to Mumsnet to ask for advice, the mum revealed she is growing to resent her partner, as she outlined in a post titled: “Do I hate my husband.”

Her post began by sharing that the pair have two children together – a toddler, who is nearly two, and a three-month-old baby, who she is currently breastfeeding.

It continued: “I am tired. Bone crushingly tired. I feel physically tired. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired.

“The baby wakes twice for a feed plus can need resettling and then is up from about 5am although I can get them back to sleep only on me from this time. Rest of time in next to me.

“Husband works long hours blah blah usual s***e. He will take baby downstairs early morning when he’s not got work but then baby doesn’t go back to sleep, gets overtired etc.

“He also regularly sleeps in spare room for various reasons.” And the mum said she has been left miserable by the arrangement.

She explained: “I’m so tired and miserable. I go to bed early but then resent husband staying up while I have to be in bed around the same time as a toddler and yet I’m still the tired one the next day. He’s merrily snoring away and then gets to be fun energetic parent during the day. Meanwhile mummy is grumpy.

“When I say I’m tired during the day he’ll tell me to go and nap. But I don’t find it easy to switch off during the day like that especially when I can hear the children and know I’ll be needed soon enough (mainly for nursing). Plus what’s 30 minutes during the day once in a week or less going to do really?! It doesn’t feel worth it.”

She added: “We’ve not had sex at all since baby was born. I can’t think of anything worse. I’d probably enjoy it once we got back into the swing of things but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction (literally) meanwhile I’d be even more tired as I’d be staying up for this!! But this is what is worrying me. I feel I resent him so much and to not want to make him happy… I really must hate him right?”

The tired parent then concluded her post by asking for advice, keen to hear if people thought she was acting unreasonably.

“Don’t know what I’m hoping for from this… someone to tell me it’s normal and we’ll get through this I guess. Or some advice,” she wrote. “AIBU to my husband? Do I need to try harder? Will this improve in time?”

But commenters could not agree on the course of action the mum should take.

While one commenter blasted the dad for being “lazy and selfish”, some pointed out he could help out more if the mum switched from breastfeeding to bottles.

One person wrote: “Sounds normal to me, but if you’re that tired and your relationship is failing I’d consider the option of switching to bottle.”

But another said: “I’m not convinced stopping breastfeeding is the solution everyone seems to think it is to be honest.

“Bottle-feeding would only be easier if you had someone to facilitate it most of the time if you ask me.”

People also shared different solutions the parents could try out.

“You are knackered. Napping makes a huge difference. Try to get an hour in a day when baby is sleeping and toddler is out. And stop being so hard on yourself. It is very early days,” read one suggestion.

A second person agreed naps would likely help, but added that the mum needed to share her concerns with her partner.

“Speak to your husband really frankly now,” she advised. “Between the two of you, figure out a way to make it through the next few months.”

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