‘My brother won’t let me have a normal relationship with my mum – I feel suffocated’

The woman was unsure whether she was overreacting to the relationship between her mum and brother, but she thought it wasn’t normal and she felt pushed out by it

Having a good relationship with your parents is vital for so many people, but one woman headed online to complain that she thought the relationship between her mum and brother was ‘bizarre’. She even went as far to say that she felt anxious when she wasn’t around because she thought they were going to talk badly about her behind her back.

She started a thread on Mumsnet to express her concerns about their relationship and to ask others for their advice on the matter. The woman wanted to know whether it was just her who thought the relationship between them was unusual.

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She wrote: “My brother and I are in our 30’s. He still lives at home with our mum. I’ve moved out (thank god!) but had to live with their odd relationship and routine for many years, and according to them, it’s still ongoing.

“He’s always competed with me for her favour, ever since we were kids. But it got worse when our parents separated, it’s almost like he’s taken on the role of being her surrogate husband.

“They set their alarm clocks to wake up at the same time as each other, if one of them has to get up earlier for work, the other one will set their alarm accordingly. They spend hours talking every morning, drive off to work together, drive back home together and then spend one or two more hours talking about their day. They don’t go anywhere without each other. They go shopping together, they visit people together etc.

“He agrees with everything she says, hangs onto her every word, she’s never in the wrong in his eyes, they s*** people off all the time (including me!) and egg each other on. It’s bizarre. I feel awful anxiety speaking to them now because I know when I walk away they’re gonna be s******* me off, as always.

“Any kind of argument I had with her as a teenager (just normal arguments teenage girls have with their mums), he’d aggressively square up to me, shouting in my face, calling me every name under the sun. She’d then thank him for ‘standing up for her’, then come and ask me if I was okay and tell me he was out of order?

“I felt suffocated and stifled in my own home for years. Now I’m not allowed to have any kind of disagreement with her without him involving himself and getting aggressive with me.

“I’m not being nosey, it wouldn’t bother me at all if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m not allowed to have a normal relationship with my own mother. I can’t speak to her on her own, she’s always with him. He makes it a them vs me situation all the time, and gets confrontational and competitive with me. I have to walk on eggshells and watch what I say.

“I lived with them and their behaviour for so long and whenever I tried to bring it up they made out that I was the weird one. But surely it’s not just me that thinks this is completely f****** abnormal?”

People were quick to confirm that the relationship did not sound usual.

One wrote: “Sounds like a nightmare! It’s definitely not the norm and that level of co-dependency can’t be healthy for either of them.”

Another commented: “Not remotely normal and sounds incredibly unhealthy for both of them. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to invite your mother over without him so you can have time together, though because of their codependency she might not come.”

One suggested cutting them off if she feels uncomfortable, writing: “Just because someone’s your blood doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life.”

One Mumsnetter tried to rationalise the situation by commenting: “It sounds like he felt he had to step up to the plate and support his mother when she separated. That may or may not have been a deliberate decision. He’s grown into this role and they’re both happy with it. Rightly or wrongly he sees your moving out as confirmation that you are happy with that arrangement.

“You say he always competed for favour when a child. That’s interesting, because it implies that you were also involved in the competition too. It’s hard for someone to ‘compete’ against someone who is not interested in the competition.

“I don’t think their situation is particularly ‘abnormal’ by any means. It’s not the standard behaviour but a lot of adult children stay at home with their parent(s) and provide mutual support.”

What do you think about the situation? Let us know in the comments.