- The opposable thumb has really worked wonders for primate evolution.
You’d better keep your hands off your junk or you’ll end up with hairy palms. But what if we ended up with our hairless palms because we didn’t?
Although it has long been shunned as shameful and even pathetic in human society, masturbation is pretty common among animals. It’s particularly popular with our relative primates — maybe because we all have hands.
That makes the job a lot easier.
A newly-published study has found that spanking the monkey is indeed a proud primate tradition, stretching back at least 40 million years. It may have given our ancient hairy-palmed ancestors an evolutionary edge that eventually led to modern humans.
How on earth did that happen? Shouldn’t sowing their seed in the wind have only made it more difficult for our ancestors to procreate?
Well, let’s find out.
Millions of Years of Monkey Business
To carry out their research, the scientists first needed information on primate masturbation habits. So, they contacted a total of 150 zoos and primatologists (that is, primate biologists) and asked them to fill out a questionnaire inquiring about the primates’ naughty habits.
We couldn’t find out whether they looked into human self-love. They probably should’ve — the habit runs in the family, after all.
The data the researchers received covered 38% of all known primate species. Not exhaustive, but good enough.
Just this initial data set showed some patterns. Based on the results, 74% of primate females and 84% of males in captivity engage in masturbation.
The numbers fall a lot in the wild. Out there, only 35% of females and 73% of males touch their naughty bits.
The researchers then fed the data into a computer model designed to figure out how long primates have jerked their gherkins. As part of this step, the scientists examined a lot of monkey business, including living primate species’ masturbation habits, their mating behavior, and even the prevalence of STDs.
Then, they combined the results with whatever we know about the evolutionary relationships between long-dead primates. Finally, they had an idea of how long primate hands have wandered south of the waistline.
A long time, it seems.
“We know that amongst the primates, the ancestor of all monkeys and apes … probably masturbated, meaning it was present around 40 million years ago,” Matilda Brindle, an anthropologist from the University College London, told LiveScience.
And that’s just the males. Although monkey ladies do it less often, they’ve been doing it for longer — at least 45 million years.
We Need More Data… For Science
Right, well, that’s a long time spent pumping the proverbial piston. But why did our earliest ancestors reach for their no-no zones?
Unfortunately, the research team didn’t have quite enough data on masturbating monkeys to have solid answers. They can, however, make educated guesses.
One of their theories suggests that busting a nut helps primate males clear pathogens from the associated pipework. One observation supports this view — masturbation is more common in species known to suffer from a lot of STDs.
Fewer viruses mean healthier monkeys and, thus, more babies.
A pre-excited male will generally also finish faster. That can help less socially prestigious primates continue their legacy before the big shots chase them away.
In females, the pipe cleaning theory doesn’t hold, but there’s another potential evolutionary advantage. Pre-coitus masturbation can make the lady parts less acidic, which helps sperm survive.
Again, more babies.
These tidbits of information could mean that masturbation helps primates pass on their genes. It would also explain why the habit has continued through 40 million years — all the way to modern humans.
The research team, however, wants to firm answers, not just guesses. That’s why they’re now on the hunt for even more material on monkey masturbation.
“We aimed to collect data on masturbation frequency too but didn’t have enough to conduct meaningful analyses,” said Brindle.
“I’d love to explore these hypotheses further, with the benefit of more data, and begin to tease apart which hypotheses might explain masturbation in different species and under which ecological and social circumstances.”
In particular, the team wants to find out more about masturbating primate females. The data about them was especially patchy — possibly because the females are sneakier about their private fun.
Tune in next week as we explore what drives a person to study monkey masturbation.
Hits: 0
