- No, it’s not as fun as it sounds. Trust us.
Small things can lead to big consequences. We got a great example of that last week when an Austrian supermarket issued a swift emergency evacuation order.
What could’ve caused the shop to take such drastic measures? An armed intruder? A bomb threat?
Nope. It was because of a spider.
This wasn’t just any ordinary eight-legged creepy-crawly, though. If it was, the problem would’ve probably been solved with a quick stomp.
The initially mysterious large arachnid was identified as a Brazilian wandering spider. One of the world’s deadliest spiders, its highly venomous bite causes a fascinating list of symptoms — including hours-long erections.
Not wanting to subject its clientele or staff to fatal boners, the store quickly ordered everyone to evacuate. The store then stayed closed for the next two days for a comprehensive swipe to de-spiderize the interior.
The store has now reopened and the management assures everyone that there’s no risk of running into any Brazilian wanderers. Yet, the operating company has admitted that they didn’t actually find the spider.
Maybe it’s still there. Watching. Waiting.
Ready to give an unsuspecting passerby an erection he’ll never forget.
Guys? Where’d It Go?
The spider incident happened on August 8 in Krems an der Donau, a historical town sitting on the Danube River in northern Austria. On the day, the staff of a Penny Markt branch were unpacking a new shipment — which included a box of bananas.
We can only imagine a staff member went a bit bananas when they cut open the box. In addition to potassium-rich fruit, the crate contained a stowaway.
On top of the bananas crawled a four-inch-long, black and red spider.
Now, it’s nothing unusual for bugs of all kinds to end up in tropical fruit shipments and find their way halfway across the world. The problem is that some of them can be dangerous.
Was this spider a problem? Nobody at the store knew, so they called the fire department.
The fire department responder immediately informed the Penny store manager that they had likely encountered a venomous Brazilian wandering spider (also called “banana spider” for reasons you can probably guess). The store staff was told to keep an eye on the spider until professionals arrived to take care of it.
There was just one issue. When the staff went to keep watch on the arachnid, it wasn’t there anymore.
With the potentially deadly spider now freely crawling about the store, the manager was out of options. Everybody in the store was promptly corralled outside and the door slammed shut.
‘No Spiders Have Been Found’
For the next few days, the Penny Markt remained closed. Meanwhile, the operating Rewe retail group carried out “comprehensive cleaning and disinfection measures” on the premises, the company told Austrian news outlet NÖN.
As part of the operation, Rewe operatives removed and replaced all fresh food in the store.
“All measures are for safety and are carried out meticulously so that the branch can be reopened,” the company said.
Finally, Rewe gave the store the green light to reopen. That announcement came with a disconcerting caveat, though.
“Despite an extensive search, no spiders have been found to date,” the company said.
Is the spider still in the store? It could be. Who knows?
According to Austrian media, some shoppers have been reluctant to go back to the store. They don’t want to risk sticking their hand into a bunch of bananas and drawing back a biting spider.
Others, however, have faith in Rewe’s thoroughness and say they wouldn’t have opened the store if they weren’t sure it was safe.
What about you? Would you go shopping in the spider store?
The Boner to End All Boners
But why did this one spider cause such a (relatively) massive operation? Well, that’s because Brazilian wandering spiders are dangerous.
These arachnids often like to hang out on banana bunches, looking for tasty prey — like crickets, mantids, frogs, lizards, and bats. As a result, they can end up in banana boxes.
A Brazilian wandering spider’s bite is no joke. Its venom contains at least six different neurotoxins that make it one of the deadliest spiders in the world.
The bite — which is incredibly painful in itself — causes nearly instantaneous symptoms. The list includes (but isn’t limited to) sky-high heart rate and blood pressure, dizziness, nausea, hypothermia, drooling, vomiting, and blurred vision.
If you happen to possess a penis, the bite also causes an instant erection that can last for hours. In case that sounds like a good time to you, be aware that your disco stick will feel like you’re having intercourse with the business end of a rusty blender the entire time.
Should you go untreated, the venom can begin to paralyze your muscles, including those responsible for breathing.
As you lay on the floor, slowly asphyxiating, you can ponder whether it was a good idea to try and cure erectile dysfunction by handling exotic arachnids.
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