Why it could be good to refuse to spend Christmas with your in-laws, according to expert

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Relationship coach Gemma Nice says you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting to spend Christmas Day alone and that it’s important to set boundaries

Chris Rea famously sang ‘I’m driving home for Christmas ‘ – and it’s what many people up and down the country will be doing this festive period to spend time with their families. It can be one of the most joyous occasions with loved ones, however for some people, they might prefer to spend the big day in the comfort of their own homes with their immediate household, without having to cart their children and a turkey elsewhere.

While you might feel obliged to spend the season with your relatives, it can be okay to say no to the proposed arrangements, according to an expert.

If you’re dreading going around to your in-laws or if it’s a particularly contentious time for your family then you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to spend the day with just your immediate ménage, Gemma Nice argues.

The 40-year-old from Brighton is a relationship coach who prefers to spend Christmas Day with just her husband and two kids – instead of mixing with their extended family that doesn’t always get on, she says, with an argument of some sort bound to happen.

“Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without an argument, right? Wrong. You don’t have to spend Christmas with your extended family,” Gemma asserts.

“You are allowed to say no, that you are spending it at home and your family should respect that.”

She says that the more you say no to people and set boundaries, the easier it becomes.

The mum-of-two spent years worrying about family arrangements at Christmas time and says she wasted time and energy dwelling on it.

“If you dread the thought of going, you get sweaty palms, your breathing increases and you feel faint, that’s when to say no and be okay with it,” Gemma, who is the founder of Easyoga and director at Paradise Movement app, advises.

“Don’t worry about what other people think, this is your life. You aren’t on this planet for very long and each second counts.

“It’s time to take the control back for your festive season.”

How to say no

Gemma, who specialises in helping women who feel trapped in unhappy relationships, says the best way to let family members down gently is to sit down with or phone the specific person that is hosting.

“Build up the courage first by taking in three big deep breaths and plan out in your mind what you are going to say – this way you will be able to say it clearly,” she begins.

“You can then start off by saying ‘Would you mind if this year we did our own thing and we see you another time over the Christmas period? We’ve had a lot going on this year and we would like to spend it together just us.

“I know and I understand that you will be upset but do you see the reason why I am doing this?’

“Give them an opportunity to say their bit and always listen to each other. Do not shout and do not interrupt each other.

“Good communication and listening is always key here.

“Sum up by asking if they are okay and tell them that you love them and that you will see them soon.”

If you can’t say no

If you feel as though you can’t refuse invites from relatives during this special period, then there are ways to make you feel better about the situation, Gemma says.

“If you do have to spend time with people you don’t want to and you cannot get out of it, then put into place some tools you can use to help you get through the day,” she explains.

“Allow yourself to take some time out, say half an hour to an hour, and go out for a walk, take the dog out and get some fresh air.

“You will be in nature, and this allows your serotonin and dopamine (your calming hormones) to be released making you feel happier and calmer almost immediately.”

She adds: “Breath work techniques are also amazing and are a great go-to, especially if you can’t get out. Take yourself off to another room on your own, sit quietly and just breathe.

“When we are anxious our breath rate becomes rapid and slow. This then doesn’t get the oxygen to the lungs, which then doesn’t oxygenate the blood which in turn doesn’t oxygenate the brain, keeping us in that fight or flight mode.

“When we concentrate on breathing and allowing us to use this free space within our lungs, this then allows the brain to function easier and allows the cortisol (stress hormone) to decrease.”

Will you be spending Christmas this year with your extended family? Let us know in the comments.